I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
