he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
