I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
