we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
