True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
