bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
