when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
