the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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