I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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