i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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