remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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