No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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