my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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