and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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