Umm I'm too high to move.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I booty called her while she was in labor.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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