I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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