I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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