Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
