so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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