The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
