I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
