yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
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No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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