He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
