also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
