If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
