i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
