rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
