i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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