tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The adults are the big ones right?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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