wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
