i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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