i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
