My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
