'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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