1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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