my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
