someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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