That's when you crack a 10am beer
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Success! We fucked roommates!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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