PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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