Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
