Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
