When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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