I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
