Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
