Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
