I need to stop coming to work sober
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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