HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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