just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
