Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
