Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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