Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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