my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
