It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
