My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
