No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
