The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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