I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
