Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
