Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
