I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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