Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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