gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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