every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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