I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
